Our call to love has bumps
lessons learned through awareness
Buddha said our samkara carries through our lifetimes and it’s our practice that brings us to untie these knots. As I have practiced, I don’t find there is perfection on the way. There is a call to loving kindness when we have again tie the knots we had untie before, until we have learned the lesson.
I have become quite controlling over the past year to make myself feel safe. It’s a habit energy I’ve noticed after yesterday’s disagreement I had with my partner. I can’t control the world so I control everything around me & I came to realise how this habit had developed in me over 2020! Does anybody else feel last year’s effects?
My partner decided it was a great idea to bring me on a little getaway adventure locally in our city. He rented an Airbnb in the countryside & explained to me I was going be there for 4 days, 3 nights. It would be great for my writing & meditation. I had always said I want to get away from the city and find a little village house to stay in like Bali. For my birthday, instead of booking the Ritz-Carlton for 2 nights in the city like I asked. He found a little village house. I had some serious breakthroughs as in I thought I had untied some knots and now could respond differently but I just had a melt down after he told me the surprise. So I practiced 20 minutes of guided meditation on the car ride over and returned to a sense of peace. I decided to be optimistic on this adventure & helped him navigate this village. I watched my irritation go up with awareness I told this habit energy to go down. After we had found it and he asked, “Do you like it?” with a doubtful face. I couldn’t hold back anymore, my ego was ready for a showdown. I paused, closed my eyes, & scanned for body sensations. I felt my heart heavy & breathing tightening. My mind was busy trying to formulate the best answer to tell him how I feel without hurting his feelings. I had to tell him how I feel in a kinder & gentler way than lashing out, “I appreciate what you have done for me but I don’t want to stay here by myself on the weekday & it’s a lot of work to get around. I feel like I’m just getting consistent with my side gig & work. Now I am afraid this staycation is too long of a getaway for me but since you’ve already paid. I’ll stay here.” He exclaimed, “No, don’t stay here if you want to. It’s okay, I don’t want you to be tortured.” I took another deep breath, there was something else which needed to be said also with a gentle tone. “Look, we are in a relationship now and I want to tell you how I feel now instead of hiding this. It is for the wellbeing of our future”. He nodded looking into my eyes to tell me go on. “I don’t think I like surprises, it makes me nervous and feel unsafe. All the hiding around and feeling like you’re lying.” paused for a minute to let him take it in. “I just feel I have a lot to do and don’t want to mess up my work.” Then he said “I understand but this could help your work and you’ve been saying you wanted a getaway. I paused to listen deeply, to recall the memories. Which is true, I have been in fact, wanting this. So, why the resistance? Why the conflict? It is true, I don’t like him omitting information from me but our Trust allows him to plan surprises like these. “Look, friends are coming over here tonight for a BBQ to celebrate your birthday with you.” he explained. And then I felt like an asshole because my perfect partner planned a getaway for me and a surprise party and here I am being a negative Betty of life.
I took a deep breath & apologise to him about what I said at the same time telling him there is some truth to what I said but nevertheless, I am so grateful for the party and staycation. He had a sad look on his face like he had done something wrong. I felt so bad like every time I want to tell him I don’t like that but the guilt I feel from seeing his puppy sad face outweighed my truth. This time though, I wanted to find a balance. We decided to go for a walk to defuse the energy in the air. Along the greenery, I explained to him. “I spoke unkindly and I apologise for that.” He said “No no, you are right. I wasn’t listening. I am sorry, we don’t have to stay here.” and I felt he wasn’t receiving what I was saying, “I want to stay here it’s already been paid but please do give me some clues when you are planning a surprise like I do for you. You keep things close to yourself and I didn’t have a clue what was going on. I felt unsafe but it’s not your fault. Let’s shift our energy and enjoy ourselves tonight” hoping he will agree with me. He agreed with relaxed tension from his face, we took a moment in deep breath together and stood still holding each other.
We both had good intentions and sometimes in a relationship we can express our hurts and needs to each other in an imperfect way. It isn’t a perfect journey, there will be bumps along the way. The journey to partnership isn’t perfection nor is the journey to True self. We are all on this journey together, holding space for each other’s grievances and then letting go with every breath makes our everyday life much lighter every step along the way. We may not show up perfectly for ourselves or each other but no matter what it is, we show up. Gratitude helps, a little forgiveness helps, and taking deep breaths.
The point is we are living in constant change (remember X is constant from science). We strive for perfection but there is no perfection to be had. If you practice enough yoga sessions, meditation hours, or read enough book or therapy session it helps you understand where your knots are and how to untie them. Then something catches you, some other lesson to learn and the journey continues. It does seem tiring how it maybe never ending, trust me I’ve been there before. Feeling the wrath of karma but there comes to a point like a sailor going with the tide and sailing along with Mother Gaia. Not resisting the wake and sitting in the middle of the boat rowing forward. This is the purpose of our practice. Accept the imperfection, the changes, & come to a greater awareness of ourselves then extend that loving-kindness outwards to the world.
